Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
