and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
