hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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