i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He kissed a someone with a penis
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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