please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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