I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
