hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
