apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
