I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
