i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
