I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
