The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
