Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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