I hate your face
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
