Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
