I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
