Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
