The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
