He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
