A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
