This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
