I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
