1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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