Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Never underestimate the power of titties
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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