I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
