I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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