I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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