Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
