I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
