Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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