Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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