oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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