you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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