yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She's the barista slut.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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