i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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