I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
