i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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