o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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