Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
