guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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