So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
