She just used a chaser for red wine.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
