I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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