6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
