You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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