I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
