I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
