Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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