the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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