Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
