Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
