i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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